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Help Wanted !!!!?
Filed in The Category Quick Jokes
While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted.
Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out “Hello! I’d like to apply for the job.”
The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying “Oh, I’m sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file.”
The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.
The owner is charmed, but figures she can’t possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. “You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy.”
The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops (stopping briefly at Jumbo Joke to see the latest entry).
The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn’t going to give him a job.
“Well, you’re an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you’re a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual.”
The cat stares imploringly into the owner’s eyes and says “Woof!”
yes a joke not a question….lol
Funny joke certificate ideas?
Filed in The Category Rude Jokes
Does anyone have any ideas for joke certificates? Funny/Rude/Crude/Mean Example: Bad breath Award, your breath is so smelly the skunks run away! That sort of thing. They don’t have to be mean, I want some unhurtful funny ones too.
Whats This guys problem with me???
Filed in The Category Quick Jokes
I was hanging out with my cousin, and his friends and me and his friend manny were joking around, next thing you know he keeps giving me a quick look then.. when ever i looked at him he moved his eyes fast..so i finally caught him with my eyes and he looked at me then looked down.. the whole night he kept staring at me and acting as if he was nervious…so after we left a friends party he open up the door for his friends then for me and i kind of looked like i wanted to touch his arm and he just looked at me then lookd down…next thing i know he told my cousin that we should meet him at the store and we can smoke a Bljljt. okay i’m confused why doe’s he look down when ever i look at him??
is he asking me out???? im confused?
Filed in The Category Quick Jokes
im talking with my best guy friend on skype and he just said these words
‘hey, umm (my name), what would you say if i asked you out… im not asking you out im just wondering’
i said awkquard after like 20 secs of silence…
and he said dont worry ive asked heaps of people this lately….
he isnt friends with that many girls…..
anyway, i said i would ask him what drugs he was on (as a joke)
and in all seriousness, without every admitting it i would say yes…
hes off to dinner and will be back any min…. how do i save this????/
pls help, i dont want to say i like him cause he is my best guy friend and i dont ever want to loose that (ive told a guy i liked him and he was my bestie… two years later… still awkies between us)
pls hlp quick!!! i dont know what to say….
i just made a joke to make it less awkies cause it was dead silent… even my dog stopped barking at that moment!!!
thx in advance!!!!
Anyone got any interesting birth stories??
Filed in The Category Quick Jokes
My daughter was a 3 day labour. During my agonising pain my partner watched t.v and when dinner arrived thought they gave it to him after placing it in front of him and he ate it Having gas to help with the pain he also enjoyed it, getting high! Our daughter was finally born on september 11th 2001, after being namesless for 3 weeks i heard the name ayla and she got called Ayla Kiana. Her brother come along and was a quick labour born only half an hour after getting to the hospital. I wanted a drink of coke so my partner went to find a drink machine, got lost looking for one, during which time my water broke and he walked back in just in time to see the birth. Cause my daughter is a chatter box my son is almost three and has never been good with talking. He calls his sister Allah instead of Ayla which is actually the god the middle east prey to….Kinda funny as since she was born i joke saying she is my reincarnated terrorist. Yes…it was a sad day but for many it is a day of joy.
A very lame swine flu joke…?
Filed in The Category Very Funny Jokes
but i found it a tad funny so here it goes…
people said that an african american will become president of USA when pigs fly
and now that Obama is president, pigs flu. (swine flu)
get it? haha okay dry i know
but i just had to share it!
Do you reckon He likes me ?
Filed in The Category Very Funny Jokes
Ok so here is my story…
I met this guy 3 months ago. we are at the same uni and we have some common friends.
We get along really well, i really like his personnality, i think i like a lot of things about him =)
We had parties, and other occasions to meet with friends. Always with friends.
He is very nice with me, he helps me when i need help, he tease me a lot, he likes to tease me with my accent because english is not my first language…he always asks questions about my weekends, news and stuff.. very nice guy. He likes to talk about his family and he told me a couple of time that he wish i could met his family some days (randomly when i talk about my family …) When we say Hi or bye we hug, but it’s like the friendly hug (the australian way of saying hiii), but close….touching arms a bit … He makes a lot of eye contacts which is hard to resist ! (but it can also be his way of just being friendly with me ..i dont know…) one of my guy friend noticed that we were kinda close one day….so maybe it’s obvious that we like each other.. there is definately some chemistry from my side …but i still dont know about him….. he is always very very nice to me, jokes, tease me, smile at me, makes eye contact ,answer to my texts….texts, another weird thing, is it always the girl that has to make the first move in Australia ???? coz i’m alwas sending the texts..and inviting him….Still, it’s always with friends… i can be shy too. But then when i’m arround him, i’m very outgoing, funny and just myself! my friend told me that i was glowing when he was arround me ! so he must have a good influence on me! haha And everytime i see him randomly at his work or on the street or stuff like that, he is another man…shy…intimidated..but in a good way. I don’t know why….
How could i show him that i do like him ? even in his texts, he says stuff like, cheers, legend,…it’s friendly…. but that’s it. I don’t really know what to do…. guys what do u think ??
Should i just go with the flow and wait and see or should i do something like asking him out…but then if he says no…i’ll be sad and i might lose him as a friend…. do you know what i mean ?
I should just stop thinking haha…..gosh i wish i was a boy sometimes….
thannnnnks xoxo
My question was removed but I have seen much, much worse.?
Filed in The Category Quick Jokes
I posted a joke the other day. It was MA rated, definitely not R or X rated. It was removed by the moderators! I don’t know much about how it works and I am sure there must be too many questions to check all, but why did my slightly sexual joke get removed when there are people on here saying they like to molest children, asking for the quickest way to die, talking about beating up sluts etc, etc. and these don’t get removed??????????????
And the joke was NOT offensive.
Anyone heard this school teacher student joke yet?
Filed in The Category Quick Jokes
Little Johnny is in a classroom bored as usual?
Miss Right is out the front with two orbs in front of her rather large, she’d picked them up from the bench in front of her to demonstrate?
I have one bowl of arranges, there are three, and one bowl of apples there are two, if I combine them together, what do I have?
Well young Jonny’s hand shot up quick as a flash!!!! Ah O O Miss!!!
Yes Johnny!
Well miss, if you had two plus three you would have five right?
No Johnny! Todays lesson is about Algibra! You always have apples with apples and oranges with oranges! But, I like the way you are thinking?
Alright Miss Right is it okay if I ask you a question?
Well, okay then? Blushing knowing young Johnny!!!!
Miss, if you had three women walking down the road, one sucking an icey pole, one biting an icey pole and one licking an icey pole, which is the one who is married?
Oh obviously the one licking why?
No Miss the one with the wedding ring on her finger but I like the way you are thinking!
Rate the joke outta ten highest score gets ten points?
how can i make my friends see?
Filed in The Category Rude Jokes
my ‘friends’ recently have been saying that im no fun anymore…
but what we use to was tease other people, be rude to teachers, laugh at jokes that were only to do with us when others were around… and other stuff like that
and ive realised that its no fun and rude and selfish…
i’ve tried to tell my friends that we should stop but they don’t listen
i don’t want to hang out with them any more but my school is really small.
do i have to be loner to do what i know is right?
please i need help! 
Please tell me this is a joke, please tell me that humans really aren’t this stupid….?
Filed in The Category Quick Jokes
I found this while searching through some crazy ultra consevative Christian website (I posted that website as well at the bottom of page if you want a quick laugh, which will soon turn into horror as you realise how full on these freaks can be).
Anyway in their links column they have a link to the – (wait for it)
Flat Earth Society
(http://www.alaska.net/~clund/e_djublonskopf/Flatearthsociety.htm)
for people who really believe the world is flat and that it is just a great big consiparcy that people say it is round. There is also a Fixed Earth Society (http://fixedearth.com) for people who think the universe revolves around us still.
Is this just some great big joke kinda like the Flying Spagetti Monster (no disrespect intended pastafarians) which everybody gets but me, or are they actually serious. The websites and forums do seem kinda genuine. Have others heard about them and I’m just a little behind the 8 ball?
Should I be scared….?
Source website : http://calvinists4conservatism.wordpress.com/
Does she like him or me?
Filed in The Category Very Funny Jokes
Ok so theres this girl and I like her, and she showed lots of signs of liking me too. The other day she was sitting behind my 2 friends (I was sitting somewhere else in class) and she doesn’t like one of my friends, so my other one was annoying him with her, and she was laughing alot with him and seemed to think he was very funny and stuff.. and in dancing she was laughing with him when they danced because he is kind of un co-ordinated.
Can a girl like a guy just because he’s funny to dance with and he makes good jokes at his own friends? I’m confused to whether she likes him or not. And he definitely likes her, which is the problem for me, becuase I do too.
How would you interpret this comment please.!would you think it rude.?
Filed in The Category Rude Jokes
I was having a joke with a male friend i have known for years.we have had a sexual relationship from time to time but not for a while. but today he really upset me when i jokingly said to him I have visions of you on your knees begging i’d love to see that. his reply was ”Don’t hold your breath” now i’m not sure if he was being a smart arse or he really ment it to be nasty should i read anything into it or just let it go.?
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