This Question From Rude Jokes | 14 Answers
I need to have a good old giggle.
Some jokes that most definitely involve sex, genatalia and bodily fluids.
What have you got for me?
14 Comments so far
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says, “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”
“I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says, “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!” she looks at him, “BUT, they are sperm samples???” “DO IT!.”
So the nurse sucks it back.
“That one there, drink that one as well,” so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”
This joke will do the trick, it’s long, but it’s funniest joke i’ve ever heard.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that
his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to “Dad.
”
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom
and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will
be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy
has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt
anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She
deserves it. Don’t worry Dad.
I’m 15 and I know how to take care of
myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to
visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.
I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you.
Call me when it’s
safe to come home.
Richard and Mark were looking at a dog who was licking itself between it’s legs in it’s ***
Richard:I wish I could do that!
Mark: I think you should start just petting him, then get to the dirty stuff
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f**k?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” -A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’tgonnabelievethisshit….
A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his pecker and dragged him to the garage. After putting his private parts into a vice and removing the key so it couldn’t be loosened he walked over to the bench and took a saw off the hanger.
The naked offender said, “My god you are not going to cut it off?”
The husband handed him the saw and replied, “Oh no sir, But I think you will. I am going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision!
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with huge breasts and offers her £100 if she lets him bite them.
“No, are you crazy?” she says.
“What about for £1000?” he asks.
“Listen you freak” she says. “I’m not that kind of woman.”
“You wouldn’t even do it for £10,000?” the man asks.
“You’ll pay me £10,000 to bite my breasts?” she asks. “OK fine, lets go over to that alley.”
Once there she takes off her blouse, and the guy begins caressing her breasts, kissing them, and fondling them.
“So, are you gonna bite them or what?” she huffs.
“Nah,” he shrugs. “Too expensive!!!.”
I went to a whore house in N.C.
when I got to the desk I said I don’t like to pay for sex.If I am going to pay for it,it will have to be my way only.
The woman at the desk says[My girls will do anything you want]
I go to the room and when the girl comes in I told her what I wanted she said [hell no]and ran out of the room.
and again the same thing.After 2 girls ran out saying hell no I aint doing that the woman that owned the place came to me and said[I've only got one more girl but she will do anything anyone could think of,If not I will].
After the fourth girl runs out the owner came to me as said[You must be a freak and I like that,i will do anything you want!So what is it you want?I said some sex on credit!
3 women: one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….
That night all three will wear a leather bodice S & M style, stiletto’s and a mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again…..
The engaged girlfriend: ‘the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 Cm’s stilettos and mask.
He saw me he said: ‘you are the woman of my life, I love you’…then we made love all night long
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat,
when I opened the raincoat… he did not say anything…..but we had wild sex all night
The married one: ‘the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my head and a long black plastic cape.
My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:………
…
…
…
…
… ‘Alright Batman, what’s for dinner…?’
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love”.
The old man replied, “I thought so…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window…they’re choking my ducks!”
a husband is helping his wife set a password on her computer, he types in MYPENIS..
and then she died of laughter when the screen said “sorry not long enough….”
An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s
ever cheated on him.
“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess.
I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”
“What?” yells the man. “When?”
“The first time was when we were denied a
mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker,
and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”
“The second time you were ill and we had no
insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says.
“I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”
“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.
“Remember when you ran for mayor,”
the wife begins, “and you were behind by………….300 votes ?”
A pastor and his pregnant wife stood before their congregation asking for a pay raise to help support the new child. The congregation debated and decided that with each new addition to the family the pastor would get an extra 10k a year.
10 years passed and 6 more children were born when the pastor’s wife found out she was pregnant again. The congregation called a meeting about finances.
As the pastor stood in front of his congregation he told them that he believed that children were a gift from God and as such the church had a moral obligation to financially take care of them.
Out of the back of the room came a little voice, “rain is also a gift from god, but when we get too much of it we learn to wear rubbers”.
The congregation said AMEN.
Jimmy Harter and his girlfriend are doing it in his room. His Dad walks in and yells “JIMMY HARTER!” Jimmy nods at him. Dad freaks and yells “JIMMY HARTER!” Jimmy misunderstood him both times and said “SORRY IM GOING AS HARD AS I CAN!!”
XDDD
two guys are out hunting and one guy is looking through the scope of the rifle into the other guy’s house
“oh my god” he says “your wife’s having sex with another man!”
the other guy says “I knew it! shoot her in the head and him in the penis”
the first guy says “i can get it in one shot”
CHOCLATE ICE-CREAM
A lady walks into an Ice Cream Parlor and asks “could I please have a
gallon of chocolate ice cream?”
The salesman replies, “I’m sorry miss, we just sold our last gallon of
chocolate ice cream a few minutes ago. Could I interest you in another
flavor?”
So the lady replies, “Ok then, I’ll just have a quart of chocolate ice
cream”
The salesman replies, “I’m sorry. We don’t have any chocolate ice cream.”
The lady then asks “all right, then could I have a just a pint of chocolate
ice cream?” Again the salesman responds angrier this time “i’m sorry, we
don’t have any chocolate ice cream”
So the lady says “Fine, I’ll just have a cone of chocolate ice cream.”
“Listen lady!” he yells. “How do you spell VAN in VANilla?”
“V-A-N” she spells.
“How do you spell STRAW in STRAWberry?”
“S-T-R-A-W” she again spells.
“And how do you spell **** in chocolate?”
She thinks for a minute and says “There is no **** in chocolate”
“EXACTLY!”
There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her **** with a terrier.
there was a woman from ealing
she had a peculiar feeling
so she lay on her back
and opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling
Chuck norris once did a wooly mammoth, but soon realized it was ur mom.
EDIT: dude, not UR mom, some other person’s mom. geesh!
Why Did the girl flush the pencil down the toilet?
Answer: It was Number 2!
Ok. Some blind guy walked in on two people having sex. He heard one say VAGINA! So he was walking down the street and heard a man call his dog, “Come here hip-hip”!. So the blind man and his family were having dinner that night, and asked him to say grace. He says the grace out of what he heard that day. So he said “Hip-hip vagina!” and shoved a bowl of mashed potatoes on his head, and everybody said “Amen”.
Lol, when I heard this, I couldn’t stop laughing for about 3
days!
Heres another one
Ok, there are two married couples, aliens and humans. So the alien couple comes down to earth and want to see what its like to have sex with humans. So they meet the other married couple. Well, the alien woman slap the alien man’s penis to make it grow. Well when the alien man and the human woman get in bed, everything is fine. But when the alien lady and the human man get in bed, the alien lady kept on slapping the guy’s penis and he didnt know why..