I Need Funny, Clean Jokes…?
This Question From Clean Funny Jokes | 6 Answers
QUESTION:
I’m always looking for some funny, CLEAN jokes. Do you guys have any you wanna share? And I’ll award best answer on the person who gives the funniest, cleanest jokes with some other random thoughts in there too. 
6 Comments so far
Two guys in a boat…… One say to the other “I think I am gonna divorce my wife, She hasn’t spoken to me in 6 months!”
The other guy says ” You better think it over,,,,, Women like that are hard to find”
***
I went to fancy dress party… man said “what you come as?” i replied “a snail” man said “why that woman on your back?” i said “that’s Michelle”.
***
A Zen Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor in the park and says, “Make me one with everything.” The hot dog vendor makes him a hot dog with everything on it and hands it to him, saying, “That will be $5.” The Zen Buddhist hands him $20 and waits patiently. After nothing happens, he says, “Where is my change?” The hot dog vendor says, “Change is within.” And he slowly walks away.
***
Good exercise for older adults
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. (four or five feet) With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
***
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch this,” said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited.
Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning!”
***
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
Doorman: Your car is at the door, sir.
Car Owner: Yes, I hear it knocking.
One skeleton to the other: “If we had any guts, we’d be out of here.
Father to son: I don’t care if we have a crack in one of the walls. Please stop telling everyone you come from a broken home.
My dog likes to eat garlic. Now his bark is much worse then his bite.
Why don’t you learn to play the guitar and stop picking on me?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
***
Three men are out golfing when they notice a funeral procession going by, the one man doffs his cap and stands solemnly until the last car goes by. The other fellow turns to the third and says “Now that’s what I call a real gentleman” The first man said “Least I could do, I’ve been married to her for the last 35 years”
***
Customer: “I’ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can’t get
through to enquiries, can you help?”.
Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?”.
Customer: “It was on the door to the Travel Centre”.
Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours”.
***
One morning a grumpy boss notices that one of his employees is not at his desk, so he calls his home. A small child answers in a whisper, “Hello?”
“Is your father home?” the boss asks.
“Yes,” the child replies.
“May I please speak with him?”
“No,” is the response.
The boss is a tad startled, but he realizes he’s talking to a little kid, so he says “OK, is your mommy home then?”
“Yes,” is whispered again.
“May I please speak with her?”
“No,” is the reply.
By now the boss is getting frustrated. “What are they doing then?” he asks.
“Talking to the policeman,” the child whispers.
Now this gets the bosses attention. “Why is there a policeman there?” he asks.
“He came in the helicopter,” the child whispers.
“A helicopter?” Now his interest is really intrigued. “Why is there a helicopter there?” he asks in an excited voice.
“They’re all with the search party,” the child says.
“A search party, who are they searching for?” the boss asks.
“Me!” the voice replies, and then hangs up.
***
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I’m fine but I can see
You won’t cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You’d think my hair was getting gray.
What’s that, you say? A double chin?
No, that’s the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You’ll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you’re not hanging straight
You’ll tell me n
A police car pulls up the front of grandma’s house and grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explains to grandma that the poor gentleman was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home..
“Oh dear” says grandma, “You’ve been going to that park for over thirty years. How did you get lost?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman can’t hear, grandpa whispers, “I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
Pirate jokes….
what’s a pirate’s favorite:
animal ….. ARRRRRHHH dvark
vegetable….. ARRRRRHH tichoke
state….. ARRRRHHHH kansas
you get the idea
why do muslim women want to marry hindu husbands??
a.because they get freedom from burkha ,,,, freedom from 8 to 9deliveries and most importantly they get un cut bananas
k
Q. What do you get with a cow and a earthquake
A. A Milkshake.
Happy 2009
what’s a duck’s favorite snack?
cheese and quackers!