This Question From Clean Funny Jokes | 17 Answers
Ok I need some clean but funny jokes! So come on everyone help me out! Cheers!
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”
Additional Details
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
There are 2 muffins in an oven. One muffin says to the other “Wow it’s really hot in here” The other muffin says “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!”
Why did the tomato blush?
He saw the salad dressing….
type in jokes…there is millions
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Take him into a room full of spades and ask him to take his pick.
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can’t control his amazement and says to the blind man, “Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, “To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt
you want clean and funny jokes yet your name is MISS THONG? Ironic.
i don’t have a clean one but this one is funny!! what do u call nuts on a wall?
And the person answers the question….
Wall nuts( is the rite answer)
What do u call nuts on ur cheast?
Person answer it
cheast nuts( is the rite answer)
What do u call nuts on your chin?
Person answers
A dick in your mouth ( is the rite answer)
lol but it’s all one part so don’t think it’s 3 jokes =)
Why are pirates called pirates?
They just Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr !
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Search the joke section.!!!
Plenty of them there.!!!
paddy and murph scratching their heads by a flag pole
“whats up” asks a woman passing
“we need to measure the height of the pole but haven’t got a ladder ”
have you got a spanner ? she asks
they give her a spanner
she undid the bolts and lay the pole on the floor and measures it 18′ 6″ and walks away
paddy turns to murph and says “shes a thicko
we wanted the height not the bloody length”
Joke About Children
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride’s side and the groom’s side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar…so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear!”
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I’ll be waiting…
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
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Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?” “I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.”
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?” “Intelligence,” the boss said. “What do you mean, ?intelligence’?”
The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.” The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What did he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.” “What’s intelligence?” said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!”
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son’s reply was: “Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It’s the best I
could do from here.”
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During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.
The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine.
The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, “Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him.” The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.
The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down.
Again the priest intervened: “Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man.” The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
At last it was the engineer’s turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, “Oh, I see the problem!”
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A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”
The player thought for a moment and then answered, “4?”
“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming… “Come on coach, give him another chance!”
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“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”
“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never
yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either
married it or gave birth to it!
Joey’s mother sent home a note with Joey it read “Please have a chat with your son about the difference between men and women” Joey’s mother told him to go to her room.
“Joey it’s time I taught you the difference between men and women”
“Take off my dress”
“Take off my slip”
“Take off my bra”
“Take off my panties”
NOW if I EVER catch you wearing my clothes to school again mister…
man walks into a pub and says ill av a pint of bitter and a ummmm how much are ya pies
the land lady says £2
ok he says ill have a pie too
so he drinks the pint and puts the pie on his head and walks out
next day he does the same gets a pint downs it buys a pie and puts it on his head and walks out
and he repeates this for a few days leaving the land lady confused
the next time he comes in he orders a pint and a pie to which the land lady replys sorry were out of pies
hmmmmmm ill have a pack of crisps then please so he drinks the pint puts the crisps on his head and just befor he walks out the land lady shoats him and asks
why did you put the crisps on your head
to which he replys coz your out of pies lol
A man was packing for a business trip and his 3 yr old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she stopped and said “Daddy, look at this” and stuck out one of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny finger in his mouth saying “Yum yum ,Daddy’s gonna eat your finger” and pretended to eat it. He went back to his packing, and looking up noticed his daughter standing on the bed staring at her finger with a devastated look on her face.
“What’s wrong honey?” he said. She shrieked “What happened to my bogey????!!!!!!
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A man crashed into a car driven by a dwarf. The dwarf jumped out and shouted ” I’m not happy!”
The man replied “Which one are you then?”
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I’m not usually one for posting warnings, but I had a close miss today. I walked into B&Q and this man in an orange suit asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.