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October 23, 2013 at 6:18 pm
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies………………….”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” Finally, a smart blond
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What good is money when you can’t inspire terror in your fellow man…
Don’t like your job, don’t strike. You go in everyday and do it really half-assed the american way!
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October 23, 2013 at 5:32 pm
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
six children: Holie Schitt, Gi va Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and
the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding
announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The
Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He came home with his Italian wife; Piza Schitt
By Crock O Schit
Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny’s dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, “Now, son…that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I’m really going to spank you when we get back home.””I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor’s home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand. He looked at its mother and said, “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!” The mother said, “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.” He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?”
The Mother said, “Why, yes… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.”
Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can’t wear glasses!”
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. They all eat the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t?”
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, “You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a minute and replied, “All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, all our lives we’ve had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we’d never have to run again.” God said, “It is done!” All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little have meals-on-wheels you’ve been sending over here are delicious!
October 23, 2013 at 5:12 pm
ok so ….
i told ur mom that i loved her
and she told me the same
and then she got life in jail b/c people thought she a pediofile
October 23, 2013 at 4:27 pm
Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says “Darn, I can’t get in the car!” The other blond replies, “keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down”.