This Question From Paramedic Jokes | 11 Answers
well its my day off and im stuck at work. I came in to pick up my check this morning and as soon as i got here they asked me to work. apparently one of my coworkers was rushed to the ER, i was told he had no pulse when the EMT’s came. So Im sad I’m stuck at work and I’m totally stressed out about my coworker. I could really use some cheering up……Any funny jokes out there???? (PLEASE no death jokes..)
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A man goes to the doctor complaining of repeated farting.
He says “I fart every two or three minutes, I’ve farted twice since I came in, luckily they’re silent and they don’t smell”.
The doctor gives him some tablets and tells him to come back in a couple of days.
When the patient returns he is very angry. “Those tablets you gave me just made my farts smell really awful”.
“Good” replied the doctor, “that’s your nose unblocked, now let’s see what we can do about your hearing”.
Cheer up. I hope your co-worker is OK and makes a full recovery.
XX
Ok
The 9 children joke:
There was a mom, and a dad with 9 children, and a random blind guy waiting for the bus (they don’t know the blind guy)
So when the bus came, there was only enough room for 10 people, so the mom and her 9 kids went on the bus
The dad and the blind guy walked. So the dad was getting annoyed by the blind guys stick, so he said “can you at least put a piece of rubber on the end of that thing, it’s getting annoying now”
So the blind guy replies, IF you had a piece on the end of YOUR stick, we’d be on the bus right now!
The Jesus joke:
Ok, there was a guy robbing a house, and he heard a voice saying Jesus see’s you
He turns around, no one is there. He heares it again, “Jesus see’s you”, he turns around and its a parrot. He asks the parrot, who are you, and he replied ” Im named mosis”
The robber said “What kind of idiot names their parrot moses
Theparrott said “the same idiot who named their rotwailerr (however you spelled it) Jesus!
ok I cant tell you any jokes but If you can go to youtube and watch some dane cook! he is funny as all get out.
this is sponsored by billy maze but wait! if you call now we will include this billy maze action figure with but wait action!
XD that’s the best joke I can come up with one of my personal favorites… though I Guess you’d have to know who billy maze is to find it funny xD
One time this lady was farting around people, and she didn’t know there were people listening. Then she turned around and saw the people. Then she swallowed some exlax, and said, “8050″. Don’t worry about trying to get this. There’s nothing to get and it’s lame. I tried, but I’m not good at jokes.
Billy was a 1st grade student and he asked his teacher to go to the bathroom. She said he could go if he recited the alphabet so he said ” a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z” When the teacher asked him what happened to the the p, he replies “Its running down my leg”
Two maxi pads are floating in a sewer and a couple of tampons come floating nearby.
One pad says “should we say hello?”
And the other pad says” Nah they’re stuck up c@nts”
UM….. WANNA HERE A DIRTY JOKE………………………………… THREE WHITE HORSES JUMPED IN THE MUD!!!! LOL IM SO CORNY
knock knock
whos there?
ieatmop
ieatmopwho?
YOU EAT YOUR POO?!
Ok here is an attempt at a joke. A blonde walks into a bar, you think she would have seen it.
One day when a woman was at a routine gynecologist appointment and everything was going fine. Right before she was told to put her clothes back on her doctor said “Just to let you know..You seem to be a little ummmm….Stretched out down there.”
Worried about what the doctor had said and wanting to see for herself the woman went home, took off her pants, and stood with her legs spread over a mirror she has layed on the floor.
Just then her husband walked in the room and said “Honey! Look out for that huge hole in the floor!”
knock knock
whose there
Wilma
Wilma, who?
Wilma finger do till i can get a *****?
doctor dave is sitting in his surgery
after hours one night thinking about his encounter with a patient the week before. he pictures an angel on his right shoulder and a devil on his left as he looks in the mirror, the devil is saying “dave mate, don’t worry about it you wont be the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you certainly wont be the last” then the angel pipes up ” for **** sake dave, you’re a vet!!!”
A man goes into a bar with his friend and says “Oh I’ve had a terrible day today”
His friend replies, “What happened that’s got you down?”
The man says, “I had to fire the bakers for putting his **** in the bacon slicer and not doing his work.”
Shocked by this remark his friend asks, “What did you do to the bacon slicer?”
The man says kindly, “I had to fire her too.”
Mr dick invited mr nutsack to a party.mr nutsack said why should I go everytime we go to a party you go inside and leave me banging on the door.
A boy asked his mom where do babies come from and the mom said the stork, then the boy said who has sex with the stork?
hope this makes you laugh
# 1) BELIEVE it or not ,
These are Nashville , TN ‘s REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’ m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn…..I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: N o
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
# 2) THE GOOD NAPKINS …> > >> > >> > >> > > Ahhhhh …
The joys of having girls..
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.
I then asked my mother why she was
keeping ”napkins’ in the bathroom.
Didn’t they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those
were for ‘special occasions’ (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months….
It’s Thanksgiving Day,
and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner.
Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter.
Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came my father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom,
who almost died of embarrassment
when she saw each place setting on the table
with a ‘special occasion’ Kotex napkin at each plate,
with the fork carefully arranged on top.
I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn’t hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course,
my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
‘But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!’
Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh or anyone who has a daughter!
Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh
insanely, love truly and forgive quickly….and for heavens sake, use the
good napkins whenever you can!
#3) The love story of Ralph and Edna:
Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t
mean they don’t love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’
Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?’
# 4 ) Too often we lose sight of life’s simple pleasres. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 musceles to extend your arma dn b! tch -slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head!!
And…
#5) The next time you’re having a bad day imagine thi