Read The Newest Jokes - Hahaaa
Could I be having twins?
Filed in The Category Nurse Jokes
I went for my first doctors appointment, and my doctor examined me. She said I was rather big for 9 1/2 weeks, and that it felt like I was further along. Before I saw the doctor, the nurse was joking with me saying get ready for those two bouncing babies. Could I be having twins? My ultrasound is next week.
Any1 got a quick joke to text to my boyfriend?
Filed in The Category Quick Jokes
He is having a bad day at work and l want to make him giggle!
Irish jokes i posted last night but again for u workers…?
Filed in The Category Doctor Jokes
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.’
The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!’ She asks the doctor, ‘Well, what’s the girl’s name?’ Denise.’
‘Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?’
‘Denephew.’
————–
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
‘My son was born on St George’s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we obviously decided to call him George.’
‘That’s a real coincidence, ‘observed the Frenchman, ‘My daughter was born on Valentine’s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.’
‘That’s really incredible, ‘drawled the Irishman, ‘Exactly the same thing happened with our Pancake!’
Need a quick joke can you help?
Filed in The Category Clean Funny Jokes
I need a clean, funny joke to put in my job application form that has to be in tomorrow (well how else can you prove you have a good sense of humour???)
Something that will make people laugh & groan.
Something like – What is Brown and sticky – A stick.
Cheers
Is this an early April fools joke?
Filed in The Category Plastic Surgery Jokes
the woman in the link has spent £200k on cosmetic surgery, denying her daughter the chance of an education at one of Britains top schools that she had a scholarship for so that she could have 53 seperate surgeries. i think she should hire a solicitor and start sueing because she looks bloody awful. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1262397/Mother-took-daughter-Roedean-shed-spent-fees-plastic-surgery.html
so dave in principle you dont agree with private education but if you had £10mil you’d forget those principles and go for a private education ? how very immoral of you !! tut tut lol
I really need all the help possible please !! I love her but know I don’t deserve her :(?
Filed in The Category Nurse Quotes
I had a falling out with 2 of my friends (Tracy and Elly) – who are basically best friends ..
Elly told Tracy not to talk to me any more after this falling out and she didn’t for over 1 month. Then Tracy and Elly had an argument and Tracy contacted me telling me exactly why they weren’t talking to me (because I didn’t know why) and what Elly told her I supposedly said and did. What Elly told her was a lie and Tracy realised that as soon as I told her the truth and said ‘ that’s why she didn’t want me speaking to you, coz she knew you would tell me the truth’. She also because friends again with Elly.
Then 2 weeks later I posted on Tracy’s facebook wall ‘I hope you nurse your mam better …’ . She said that this was disrespectful and we fell out again at the same time Elly was posting alot of statuses about been disrespectful and in one of them she called me an a r s e h o l e ..
Whilst I was on holiday Tracy messaged me saying that what I put really P-ed her off and was disrespectful and she was really hurt by it and she didn’t want a relationship with me.
I messaged Tracy back saying that what i put was a quote from when we were talking about what she is good at ;caring and looking after people. And that I wouldn’t ring her when I said I would if she didn’t want me to. I got no reply ….
2 days later I posted on Tracy’s facebook wall that I got her a present from my holidays and that I’d be arriving in the shitty west country in a few hours.
(I got her some bracelets, a monkey teddy keyring and a wooden whistle which I made myself – funny) she replied in a really happy mood with lots of emotions and also said that ‘its not s hi tt y atm 
’ . She then said for us to meet up in the city centre for a few hours before she goes to sleep at Lucy’s house.
My problem is that I adore Tracy, she means so much to me and she knows she is so important to me. Im sure she really liked me before all this happened and I know she was really upset by it over a month after it happened and she said to me before that she only ever feels upset for a few days after loosing a relationship.
I would of asked her if she liked me long before this happened but Elly, one of her best friends was outraged when I told her that I liked Tracy and I knew that if I didn’t have the approval from Elly then a relationship with Tracy wouldn’t work because Elly has broken 3 relationships of Tracy’s already. Tracy doesn’t know this happened so I was thinking about telling her this happened when we meet up and telling her that when she isn’t with Elly she is a much better person, the times when she stayed with her other best best friend she was much more happier, smoked less and we could actually spend time together without Elly wanting to know whats happening and just interrupting everything… and just tell her that I really like her and that I am sorry for what happened (even though its not my fault I will take blame) and that i don’t want her to decide now what she wants to do, take some time but just remember to tell me …. (I really don’t think I can just be friends, its agony for me but i also know that what happened means , in my mind , that I don’t deserve her.
Tracy now likes Facebook pages like ‘I don’t even know what I’m feeling :/’ and lots of relationship pages but I know for a fact that she isn’t seeing anyone.
Is this a good idea to do ?
Im mixed up because I love her but know I don’t deserve her. Hurt her but know I can’t say it wont happen again because Im not perfect. Miss her but don’t know if she missed me. And want her but don’t know if she still want me or ever did want me .
((( HELP !!!
I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in over 3 months, totally messed up !!
racist or funny?
Filed in The Category Dentist jokes
i told this joke and was frowned upon, i saw it more as a dig at bush and blair wat u think
george bush and tony blair are sitting in the kitchen chatting.
mrs blair walks in and says ” what are you 2 doing?”
Bush answers “Planning ww3″
“well, whats the plan?” asks mrs blair.
“we’re gonna kill 30 million muslims and one dentist!” repies bush.
“Why the dentist?” asks mrs blair
to this bush slaps blair on the back and says “see! I told you no-one would ask about the muslims!”
Does anyone know any Robbie Burns jokes. No rude ones please.?
Filed in The Category Rude Jokes
what about these jokes to finish with last lot from my archive are they funny ?
Filed in The Category Doctor Jokes
Execution Redneck Style
There was a German, an Italian and a Texas Redneck on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: was to be shot was to be hung was to be injected with the AIDS virus.
So the German said,”Shoot me right in the head.” (Boom, he was dead instantly).
Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Redneck said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.”
They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did. Now the was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
So finally the warden said,”What the hell is wrong with you?”
The Redneck replied, “You guys are so stupid….. I’m wearing a condom.”
Doctor’s Visit
A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked “Yes sir, may we help you?”
“There’s something wrong with my d*ck,” he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you.” he said.
“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ear or whatever.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t p*ss out of it!” the man replied.
Never Too Old For A Tetanus Shot
This old man in his eighty’s got up from his chair and was putting on his coat. His wife said, “Where are you going?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
She said, “Why, are you sick?”
“No” he said, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If your going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
do you like long jokes ?
Filed in The Category Medical Jokes
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he
was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal
hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up
against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I
need, a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d
like a new suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and… 16 and
a half neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half
wide.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”
Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see. . . 7 5/8.”
Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
“How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure!”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see…
size 36.”
Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head and said, “You can’t wear a size 34. It
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache!”
How did you honor your mother today?
Filed in The Category Nurse Quotes
For all the mothers here on Earth
And those gone on ahead
So many words elude my mouth
but circle in my head
I never seem to have the time
or opportunity
To tell how I love you so
Or what you mean to me
There’s always something else to do
Or someone else to see
There’s never enough time for you
Like time you made for me
But watching you has helped me grow
And pushed me to succeed
Now I can use, the tools I have
To give you what you need
So many times I sucked my teeth
And rolled my eyes at you
Behind your back , below my breath
What else could I do?
A simple child with silly thoughts
Not knowing who you were
The angel that would have my back
When no one one else was there
The one that loved me sight unseen
And chided me when wrong
The one that nursed me when I ailed
And taught me childhood songs
The one that worked for days on end
So I could have the best
The one that thought me beautiful
Apart from all the rest
You helped me in my darkest times
You saw me at my best
You carried me when I was weak
and prayed that I’d be blessed
All the awkward silences
And hurried attitudes
Are now replaced with lots of love
And honor due to you
Dearest mom i love you so
In life as well as death
And if I had to choose again
I’d choose you for myself
If I knew then What I know now
I’d read the book you wrote
I’d share it with your baby grands
And from it daily quote
Happy Mothers Day mom
With all the love one heart can hold
and then some
Lady Moore-Sabb@2008
I think I’m in love with someone, I don’t think i can have him, I’ve never felt like this before, help!?
Filed in The Category Pharmacist Jokes
I’m a 17 year old girl..I actually think I’m going crazy..because I’ve never felt anything for anyone before, I was starting to think I would never really like anyone, then suddenly BOOM! I don’t even have to question myself about how i feel. I immediately fell for this man, who is around 25/26.. I had to work at the local chemist recently as they were short staffed after my work experience there and I got a different pharmacist, and it just hit me. I fell short of breath as soon as i seen him. He smiled at me instantly and I melted. It took him a while to open up to me though, even the slightest bit, and then he started to joke with me and make me laugh in a flirty way, like he would always blame me for silly things in a joking way and smile at me. When we were working together we often kept getting close to each other, you know so our arms were touching and he never moved away. I think i’ve definitely effected him tho cause he seems nervous and was being clumsy and making silly mistakes, and laughing nervously. But he kept going all shy on me, and seemed quite nervous although he kept looking at me every so often. on the thursday i walked in, and he instantly looked up at me and smiled, quite shy, but almost like he was waiting for me to come in adn smile at me, the other workers don’t really pay attention to that, usually you just walk in and your like ‘hey, and they’re like ‘hey’ back, like whatever, they wouldn’t be looking out for you or anything,..I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I can’t concentrate on anything! What do I do?! I don’t know whether they’ll be phoning me about more work again, but one of them said they would probably cause I was very good. I don’t want to make a fool of myself for being so mad about him, if i’m misreading things, but I really felt I had a connection with him, even when we weren’t talking it felt like electric just standing next to him.. I’m sorry this was so long, but I need help and advice, i’ve never felt this way before, and it really annoys me the way i’m always thinking about him,all the things he said and done replaying over and over in my head.. I feel quite sick too a lot, when I eat cause I can’t stop thinking about him and getting butterflies. ): Any advice?
I think he might* have a girlfriend, but I’m not sure, I was scared to ask! But someone asked him about some girls birthday, and he replyed but I’m not sure if he was talking about a girlfriend.
would you agree that the nhs is a complete joke…?
Filed in The Category Dentist jokes
how is it that the nhs is providing money for single teenage mothers who are too stupid to use contraception and dont pay taxes when those of us who do pay them can’t even get a check up at the dentist without having to fork out MORE money…??
« go back — keep looking »
College Information Packets - get free college information packets from the top online colleges by eMail - Quick & Easy!