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would you agree that the nhs is a complete joke…?
Filed in The Category Dentist jokes
how is it that the nhs is providing money for single teenage mothers who are too stupid to use contraception and dont pay taxes when those of us who do pay them can’t even get a check up at the dentist without having to fork out MORE money…??
silly jokes?
Filed in The Category Doctor Jokes
Sorry but these are so stupid that I have to share them with you!!!!
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW?? He said “No, I’ve got china in my
hand.”
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
‘Best Before End’
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I
said “No, just a watch.”
I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The
bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy
said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said , “I don’t care what star sign it
is.”
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave
me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He
said, “You’ve got cholera.”
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember
his name, it’s P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t
put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
and on.
My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I
wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
“You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is
for the custard.”
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
“Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
Has anybody bothered to check who the people are who are claiming public sector pay is “rising”?
Filed in The Category Nurse Quotes
It seems an odd claim, considering that public sector pay has been frozen and I didn’t see any nurses or firemen on the “rich list”. Perhaps the BBC and others should have checked what the organisation in question is like?
Here are “Policy Exchange”‘s views on:
Arts Bodies:
“Can they be trimmed, or cast aside? We believe the arts need to be radically simplified.”
Police forces:
“Government should agree budgets and set legal frameworks to uphold the rule of law and decide punishment, but the management and delivery of criminal justice services need not always be undertaken by the State alone. ”
Schools
“We have tried to move beyond the sterile debates of the past by developing policies that would lead to a diverse education system, driven by the needs of parents and students rather than the obsessions of policymakers, and run by non-state organisations regulated – rather than controlled – by Government.”
The environment:
“Well-designed regulation should harness the power of markets to achieve environmental outcomes.”
Health:
“Competition between different providers helps improve standards of care for patients. We believe that both private sector companies and third sector providers can play a key role in delivering what patients want from a modern National Health Service”
and Society itself:
‘We are strong believers in the ability of voluntary groups to tackle the most difficult social problems”
etc. etc. etc.
In other words, these are a bunch of unreconstituted Thatcherite zealots who have learned nothing from the global crash and whose “findings” on everything from Christmas to the common cold are the same : the markets are God. Privatise everything, sack the public sector workers and let’s get rich.
Possibly, this point should have been greater emphasised when reporting their “findings”? After all, would you uncritically quote the BNP on immigrant crime?
Source:http://www.policyexchange.org.uk
Can anyone with any medical background (particularly neuro) explain these ct scan findings to me please?
Filed in The Category Medical Jokes
My sister had a ct scan recently as she has been having seizures and although we have been told there was “nil acute” we were given a copy of the report and I just want some clarification of what is being referred to as I don’t understand the terms. We are having problems getting hold of the Consultant to ask him 
Ok this is what the report says:
Normal appearance of brain parenchyma. The apparent high attenuation in the torcula and both transverse sinuses is felt to be due to slow flowing blood and not thrombosis.
There were other things on the scan report but what ive writen above is really what I need clarification on.
Thanks in advance of any serious help – no jokes please – this isnt funny. xxxx
Worth a star or not ? Very funny cat joke.?
Filed in The Category Very Funny Jokes
Old woman goes into her local supermarket where a young girls is serving at the counter, and say’s “Can I have 36 tins of cat food please”
The girls reply’s ” You must have a lot of cats”
To which the old woman says “Oh no,there for my husbands sandwiches, I use the cat food as a paste for the bread”
The girls reply’s ” That will kill him madam!”
“Oh no, its okay I read it in a book” Said the old woman.
So off she goes with her cat food only to return one week later, where the same young girl was serving again.
The girl asks “How may tins of cat food today”
“None, my husbands dead” said the old woman.
The girl is stunned and say’s “I told you that you would kill him feeding him that stuff”
The old lady said ” He did not die from that”
“What was the cause of death then” asked the girl
And the old lady replied “Oh, he broke his neck when trying to lick his backside”
why does the government force us to like other races?
Filed in The Category Dentist jokes
I never had a problem with any other race until year 3 of primary school where we had a Nigerian dentist come in and he was having a joke with us and i told his daughter he was funny and she went to the teacher and told her and i was severely disciplined for this. and since then i hated every other race, but i feel that if the government had not introduced all these racist rules which are more in favour of other ethnicity then there would be less racists in the UK as i know alot of us have been forced into kissing the ground ‘Foreigners’ walk on and now there is a fear of making a joke about another race because it can lead to your future ruined. does anyone else feel like this if you understand what i mean ?
@johnny well i couldnt understand why i was being so ill treated for just saying he was funny and it doesnt help me when i read in the papers about black youths in urban area’s causing trouble in my homeland
there has been more than one incident just that one i mentioned was the start of it all
@Bobby M The British did not invade africa and take blacks to my country, we took them to the america’s and sold them. In the 1950′s-60′s labour government started bringing other races to the country without asking the british people if that is what they wanted
How do I sound her out?
Filed in The Category Nurse Jokes
oooooh, I likes my local vetinary nurse. She is loverly and she laughed at my awful jokes the other day when I picked up my cat. She smiled alot and made loads of eye contact – although I realise she does get paid to be nice but I thought there was maybe, just maybe something there. How do I make a move without embarrassing her or myself horribly? Plus, I dont wanna change vets!
Do you rescue birds? Or do you think they are too trivial to waste your time & effort on?
Filed in The Category Nurse Quotes
What is the most amazing thing you’ve seen our feathered friends do?
Sat, Feb 28 04:40 PM
London, February 28 (ANI): Parrots have helped an American fireman speak again, after he had lost his power of speech following a traffic accident. Brian Wilson from Damascus, Maryland, had lost his ability to speak after suffering life-threatening injuries in the accident 14 years ago.e revealed that doctors who saw him were convinced that he would spend the rest of his life in bed at a nursing home.
However, he said, that the chatter of pet parrots helped him regain speech.”Two birds taught me to talk again. I had such a bad head injury I was never supposed to talk any more than a two-year-old,” the Telegraph quoted him as saying. The two parrots had been with Wilson since he was a child.
He revealed that they “just kept talking to me and talking to me”. “Then all of a sudden, a word popped out, then two, then more,” he added.
Wilson feels so grateful to the birds who helped him that he has devoted his life to feathered pets whose owners are no longer able or want to keep them.His home presently boasts about 80 brightly plumed exotic birds, from snow-white cockatoos to scarlet or blue and green macaws to African grey parrots. He has even set up a foundation called the Wilson Parrot Foundation, which offers the services of the birds to entertain at birthday parties and corporate events.
“You wonder why I rescue birds? They helped me to talk again, so now I take care of them,” he said. (ANI)
http://in.news.yahoo.com/139/20090228/959/tod-pet-parrots-help-severely-injured-us.html
A very funny airplane joke, you gotta laugh!!! LOL!?
Filed in The Category Very Funny Jokes
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4
Parachutes.
The first passenger said, “I’m Zinedine Zidane, the world’s number 1 footballer.
FIFA needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, “I am the wife of the former President
Of the United States , I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also New
York Senator and a potential future President.” She just took the 2nd parachute
And jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Robert Mugabe, said, “I’m President of Zimbabwe and I have
13 million helpless people who always look to me for guidance. Above all I’m the
Cleverest President in African history, and Africa ‘s people won’t let me die”. So he
Put on a pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela, says to the fifth passenger, a 10yr old
Chinese school boy, “I’m old and have lived a fruitful life, God will decide my fate,
So I’ll let you have the last parachute”.
The boy said, “It’s OK, there’s a parachute left for you. Africa ‘s cleverest President
(Robert Mugabe) has taken my schoolbag”.
This is a even funnier joke and clean?
Filed in The Category Clean Funny Jokes
Men are like … Laxatives …They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like … Bananas … The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like … Vacations … They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like … Weather … Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like … Blenders … You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like … Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like … Coffee … The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like … Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like … Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like … Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like … Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like … Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like … Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like … Parking Spots … All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like … Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last
how about these 2 jokes i received today are they funny ?
Filed in The Category Doctor Jokes
Golf – Occupational Hazard
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally is able to get himself up and go to the doctor.
He says to the doctor, “how BAD is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is STILL a virgin in every way.”
The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your p*nis in a splint to let it heal and to keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.”
So, the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art!!
The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They get married and on their honeymoon night in the motel room,
she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of bre*sts. This was the FIRST time he had ever seen them.
She says – “you are the first, no one has ever touched these bre*sts.”
Not to be outdone, he pulls down his pants, whips it out and says to her, “and look at this, it’s still in the original crate.”
Maybe he Shoved It.
A doctor walked into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great…some a**hole’s got my pen.”
Do you “like the feeling of the vehicle going vroom” ?!?
Filed in The Category Nurse Quotes
lol…what an absolutely awesome lady Lena is!
London, March 26 (ANI): A 106-year-old woman, who was one of the test drivers for the British army during the Second World War, has become the oldest person to complete a lap at the Brands Hatch Racing Circuit in Kent, England.
Dulcibella King-Hall was driven in a new BMW M3 at a top speed of 108mph.
Carers at Dulci’s nursing home arranged for her to complete three laps of the course as a passenger as an early present for her 107th birthday this Saturday.
After the woman had completed three laps, she wanted one more.”It could have been faster,” Sky News quoted her as saying.
Dulci’s love of fast cars is attributed to her job as a test driver during WW-II, and also to the thrill that speed gives her.
She said: “I like the feeling of the vehicle going vroom.”
This is not the first time that Dulci’s birthday treat has involved fast cars, for a social events co-ordinator from her care home, Lena Akers, organised a trip in a Porsche for her 100th celebrations, and later a drive in a Rolls Royce when she turned 105.
However, this year Lena felt she needed to “up the ante”.
She said: “What she’s really after this time is a chance to go that bit faster than ever before, 100mph or more. She won’t be happy with anything less.” (ANI)
http://in.news.yahoo.com/139/20090326/959/tod-106yr-old-fast-car-freak-granny-smas.html
Edit: Bear…how you dare!!!…say such things…for all you know, this grand old lady might just love it…the bike, i mean…!
Anybody got any jokes or rude texts I can send to cheer somebody up!?
Filed in The Category Rude Jokes
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