This Question From Rude Jokes | 13 Answers
I’m ultra low at the moment, easy ten points, if you have a good joke share it. im not gonna complain if it is a rude joke, im not easily offended so whatever joke share it. im sure as hell not gonna report you!
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Hope this joke can cheer you up…
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.
or you prefer rude joke?
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.”
“What about you Peter, how would you say it?”
Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.”
“And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you’ll get to meet after dinner.”
The teacher fainted….
hi……..hope this makes u feel better…….
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably
safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
The Circle
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she’s smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she’s laughing. He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she’s laughing so hard, she’s about to fall down. He demands, “What’s so funny?” She says, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”
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Blonde Logic
January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..”duh”…..bottles won’t fit in typewriter!!!
March – Got excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”
April – Trapped on escalator for hours…..power went out!!!
May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August – Got locked out of car in rain storm…..car swamped, because top was down.
September – The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???
October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days…..instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December – Couldn’t call 911…..”duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the phone!!!
What a year!!
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First Class Blonde
A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit and I’m staying right here.”
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beatiful, I’m going to Detroit and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
“I told her first class isn’t going to Detroit.”
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little thing on your knee.”
======================================…
NASA Experiment
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
“If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?”
After pondering the question she answered, “I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.”
They said “well okay, thank you.” And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, “I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.” Again, “thank you” and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, “I would like to go to the sun.”
The people from NASA replied, “why, don’t you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?”
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. “Are you guys dumb? I’d go at night!”
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Planning a War
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We’re planning WW III.”
And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big ****.”
The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big ****?” “Why kill a blonde with big ****?”
Bush turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”
======================================…
People in a Airplane
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, “little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?” and the little girl said, “an apple came
down and killed my new kitty”. Next they passed a little boy
who
was also crying. And they again asked, “little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?” and the little boy said, “a lemon came
down
and killed my new puppy.” Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, “why are you
laughing so hard?” and the blonde said, “I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!”
======================================…
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
======================================…
There were 11 people holding onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, “I’ll get off.” After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
======================================…
Escaping from Jail
This blonde,brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells “Who’s out there?” The redhead says”meow”"Oh it’s just a cat” The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells”who’s out there? The brunette says”meow.” “Oh it’s just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing.” Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP.”Who’s out there?” “The blonde yells “It’s just that darn cat”.
======================================…
There was a blonde woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems.
So she got on her knees and prayed “Dear
God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or
I’ll loose my car, the house, and everything else.” She doesn’t
win. The next day she prays to God “God! I really really need
your help! I’ll loose my car, the house, and everything else.”
Once again, she doesn’t win. The next day she says the same
prayer; then God speaks to her ” Cindy! work with me here, BUY
A TICKET!!”
======================================…
Blonde going to Electronic Store
A blonde walks into a electronic store and asks the manager, “Can I buy that TV”
“No”
“Why not?”
“Because your a blonde.”
So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair red. She returned to the electronic store and said, “Can I buy that TV?”
“No”
“Why not?”
“Your a blonde.”
So the blonde goes and shaves her hair off and returns to the electronic store and says, “Can I buy that TV?”
“No”
“Why not?”
“You’re a blonde”
“How can you tell I’m a blonde, I dyed my hair red, then shaved it off!”
“Because that’s not a TV, that’s a microwave!”
========================================…
On a famous TV game show A BLONDE contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS! “To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.” The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question. “Rudolph!” she said confidently, “and, …Olive!” The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?’”. “You know,” the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”
======================================…
Someone saw a blonde eating a Tootsie Roll Pop and asked her, “So,… how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?”
Without a thought, the blonde replied, “Beats me, but it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper.”
======================================…
HOPE I HELPED
Forty years ago 20 white guys chasing a black man was called the KKK, now its formula 1. lol
Naked woman walked into a bar and said “Gimmie a Cosmo.” Bartender sputtered and said “On the cocks?”
Turkey
A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert
doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a
misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf
and he yelled at me about the price.”
“Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls
are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the
airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on
the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”
My pet dog swallowed a twenty pound note. I took him to the Vet who told me to come back tomorrow.
Later that day, I phoned the Vet and asked how my dog was.
Sorry, he said, there’s no change.
I don’t know a joke,but go on utube and watch the mean kitty song.It is hilarious!! I hope you feel better soon.Watch a funny movie too.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
His dick was stuck in the chicken…………….
Why did the little boy cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was searching for Pooh!
GO ONTO GOOGLE AND LOOK FOR THE CHICKEN SONG 1986 BY SPITTING IMAGE…ITS SOOO FUNNY!
A horse goes into a bar. The bartender say, “Why the long face.”