6 Comments so far

1. Brainz on October 12, 2009 4:50 am

   In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
   In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
   On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”
   On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”
   At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
   On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”
   On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive!!!.”

2. katie michael on October 12, 2009 5:40 am

   Mini and Mickey are married (mini mouse & Mickey mouse), but they want to get a divorce.
   The lawyer asked: Micky, why do u want to get a divorce to mini?
   Micky: B/c she’s silly
   Lawyer: That’s not a valid answer…
   Micky: B/c she’s ******* goofy.
   If u don’t get this, “goofy” is a disney character
   I’m sorry if it’s got a little bad language.

3. babyboom on October 12, 2009 6:38 am

   A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
   About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
   Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
   ————————————–…
   One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.
   I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
   Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea,” which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.
   Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. (”It’s just the cutest thing!”) My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)…”Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?”
   ————————————–…
   On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
   ————————————–…
   Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
   He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
   “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.
   He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
   He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
   She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said,
   “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…!!!.”
   ————————————–…
   One early morning, a lady went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
   Son: “But why Mom? I don’t want to go.”
   Mom: “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
   Son: “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
   Mom: “Oh, that’s no reason to not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
   Son: “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
   Mom: “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

4. yee ling on October 12, 2009 6:55 am

   Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
   Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
   Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
   Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
   Man: Is this seat empty?
   Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
   Man: Your place or mine?
   Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.
   Man: So, what do you do for a living?
   Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
   Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
   Woman: Do not enter.
   Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
   Woman: Unfertilized.
   Man: Your body is like a temple.
   Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
   Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
   Woman: But would you stay there?
   Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
   Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?
   Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
   Woman:Why aren’t you thin?
   Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
   Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

5. Shea<3 on October 12, 2009 7:03 am

   Here’s a comeback if someone is denying something:
   De Nile ain’t just a river!
   ahahahaa idk i heard someone say that and i cracked uppp!
   Heres a joke:
   What do fish smoke?
   Seaweed! ;]

6. Silly Pickle on October 12, 2009 7:05 am

   i know a lot but i cant remember…but people make me crack up….hahahaha….